40 Things I Learned from Jersey to Utah...

I've taken quite a few road trips in my short and mostly uneventful life...from Alaska to New Jersey...down to Texas...Flordia...really...all corners of these United States...

You learn a bunch...so...

Here's a list of things I learned about travelling...

1) Cars get smaller the longer you are in them...
2) Towing things adds an entirely new worry...
3) Nobody knows how to merge onto an expressway...
4) The worst drivers are from New York, California and Texas...*
(*My reasoning for this is as follows...if you pass them while using cruise control...they will intentionally speed up to pass you back...they cross multiple lanes at mach speed with little to no regard for anyone else on the road...they don't signal...they don't care for your speed, especially when cutting you off...all in all, they're just a bunch of jerkoffs behind the wheel of a 5 thousand pound death machine...)
5) Nobody ever leaves Delaware or North Dakota...
6) License plate counting never gets old...
7) Colorado has a diverse array of license plates...all of which I hate...
8) Kansas is the worst...
9) The mid-west holds some really ugly people in...
10) Denver is a city...and also the name of a dinosaur from the 80s who claimed to be the last of his kind...
11) The worlds largest rodent is named Rosco...
12) Rattlesnakes are capable of petting baby pigs...
13) The worlds largest wind-chime is in Kansas...
14) The further West you go...the stranger the town names become...
15) The Blimpie in Green River, UT is the cleanest place I've ever eaten at*
(*Keep in mind...this place was at a run-down truck stop in a town that smelled funny...in the middle of Utah...so...way to go Green River Blimpie...)
16) Some places have more flies than food...
17) I can only handle the tounge clicking noise for .06 seconds...
18) Most top 20 stations only have that many songs...
19) Mountains are tall...go figure...
20) Colorado warns truckers that there are more steep grades ahead...how considerate...
21) Runaway truck ramps work...
22) Holiday Inn isn't bad...
23) The wind is out to get you...
24) America loves Taco Bell...
25) Gas prices go up the further West you go...
26) I-70 is fucking long...
27) Screw you, Kansas...
28) Dairy Queen is pretty good after 5 days of travel...
29) Birds aren't car proof...
30) I can lift a trailer...
31) Many people are loud and boorish...especially those in Hotels...
32) Old people have interesting stories about Mexico...
33) Rum and coke in Ohio tastes the same as it does anywhere else...
34) Kansas City has late night street races on I-435...(cops...ignore this...)
35) There are a lot of Camaros out there in the world...but only East of Colorado...
36) I grind my teeth while I drive...
37) Pizza Hut wings are not very good...
38) Arriving at your destination is almost like winning an election...you're done with travelling and all...but there's always more to do...
39) Seriously...Fuck Kansas...
40) If you have a tarp for the things you're hauling...it's important to also purchase a cargo net...to keep the tarp down...for serious...it made my freakin day when I didn't have tarp flapping about all over the place in my rear-view...

The trip is over but long from finished...we'll fly from Vegas back East next week...so maybe I'll learn a bit from that excursion as well...

Stay Frosty...

Lunatic...out...

The AMERICAN bonus List for the Week...

'Merica...AMIRIGHT?!?!?!

I'm happy to live in this country...because damn it...I love pork products. Meat...in general...is pretty great...

Here's a list of the most "Merican things I can come up with...

1) New York City...
2) Tampon Commercials...(we don't give a shit)
3) Diarrhea Medicine Commercials (we have no choice but to shit)
4) Pizza... (fuck off, Italy...it's ours now)
5) Big Screen TVs...
6) Red Meat...
7) The KFC Double Down...
8) The Steak Double Down that I never got to see eaten but was attempted by a guy I know the day after I left my TDY location a few years ago...Not only did he demolish it...but then went on to squat the weight of not 1 or 2 or 3...but 4 fully loaded C-130 Aircraft in 135 degree heat with 100% humidity...long story short...FLEX is the man...
9) Captain America...(no shit?)
10) Twilight Zone Marathons on every major holiday (thanks SYFY...)
11) Mel Brooks (he got comedy before comedy was comedy...)
12) The 'Fonz...
13) Muscle Cars...
14) Bacon
15) The Baconator (too bad Wendy's food is shit...)
16) Complaining about elected officials on 24 hour news networks...
17) Bitching about new stuff once you get the new stuff that wasn't the new stuff you wanted...
18) My Super Sweet Sixteen...and while I'm on the subject...
     The above mentioned show is one of the biggest piles of shit to come out of MTV since the last time they decided to drop a big Cleveland Steamer on the chest of America when they stopped showing real music videos. We should probably blame you for influencing the youth of our nation by showing them how great it is to be raised rich. Nevermind...I blame the parents that let their kids even watch that garbage. You're part of the problem...parents...quit letting them watch that shit and maybe it'll go away...Nobody should let their kids carry on like that because the brand new Lexus they got wasn't the right color...WHAT?!?! YOUR BRAND NEW LEXUS ISN'T THE RIGHT COLOR!? I kind of want to smash that kids' head in with a gold plated hammer right now...put that kid in the middle of a bad neighborhood for just 60 seconds...just 60 magical seconds...and videotape it...because I will buy, watch, rewind and watch over and over and over again...
19) Ordering take-out online...
20) E-Harmony...
21) Ordering Groceries online...
22) Black People Meet
23) Christian Mingle
24) Anything that doesn't require talking to anybody, ever...
25) Batman...
26) The Cheeseburger (fuck you, Germany...it's ours now)
27) Apple Pie cooling on a windowsill while a couple of no-good street toughs concoct a plan to steal the aforementioned pie...
28) Archie Comics...
29) Bum Fights...
30) Girls Gone Wild featuring Snoop Dogg...
31) Back to the Future...
32) Stephen Spielberg...
33) The Universal Monsters...
34) Arena Rock...
35) Rock and Roll in General...
36) The Blues...
37) Gindhouse Cinema
38) Bruce Campbell...
39) The Miss USA Contest...
40) Monday Night Football...
41) Beer commercials where nobody ever drinks the beer...
42) Menthol Smokes...
43) Cheech and Chong...
44) Phantasm....
45) Anything by Clive Barker, Geroge Romero, Wes Craven, and the rest of our 70s-80s horror gods...
and finally...
46) Riding on the back of a giant bald eagle while raining fire down on your enemies listening to Ted Nugent play the National Anthem and eating a rare steak while firing flaming arrows into the sky as explosions occur directly behind you while you wear your Apollo Creed US Flag boxing shorts immediately after your training montage...simply beautiful...

Happy Independence Day to my fellow US Americans...my deployed buddies in The Iraq and The Afghanistan other countries that don't have maps...

Hit the comments with your most 'Merican thoughts...and share this blog with your friends because there's nothing more American than...

47) Shameless promotion of your ideas through friends...

Lunatic...Out...

Bully? Bully!

I watch a lot of Cartoon Network...I mean...a lot. I've got 2 kiddos, aged 3 and 9 and they love that stuff. One thing that keeps popping across the screen is this mess about bullying and how it "won't be tolerated" and "hurts everyone"...

I have a simple question...

When did we turn into a bunch of whiny little turds?

I'm not sure who the bully is...since they're grabbing each others' shirts...

Ok, class...raise your hand if someone has ever given you a hard time...

Ok, good. Now that I see that most everyone has their hands up...did it ruin your life? Did it make you less of a person? Were your "Feewings Huwt?" Holy shit...give it a rest...

I got bullied a few times as a kid...guess what happened? I turned out mother-effin awesome. In fact, I think it made me a bit more tough, in a way. My super-awesome mother always told me "Walk away from someone who wants to fight...you never need to raise your fists to someone"...and she was right. I used to roughhouse with friends all the time and that was fine, but big-time, one on one fights? Never felt the need to do it. "It takes a bigger man..." she would say. Damn it...Mom was right...until one time. 

Don't forget to wash your ass, Tommy...

One kid used to bust my balls more than the others and I stuck to what Mom said. He wouldn't quit...would even do it in front of his mom. My Mom says "Hey...could you tell your kid to stop?" and she got shrugged off. So...my mom gave me this next piece of awesome advice... "Tommy, if he touches you one more time, I want you to beat the shit out of him. Don't stop hitting him until he's bleeding or he starts crying." What a 180...right?

So it came to that. We each popped one another. called it quits...and got on with our lives. Never bothered me again after that. Bygones were bygones...and nobody killed themselves. Now a days...if someone doesn't let you sit at their table...they're bullying you...and that's a load of HORSE POOPY...

That's not even close to bullying! That's some kid being a DWESH-BAG...and we're surrounded by those on a daily basis

Not now Chief...I'm in the fuckin' zone...

The generation I'm growing up with didn't appear to get hugged enough...they raise their kids as though their porcelain dolls that will crack under the slightest amount of pressure...

The kid gloves are constantly on with these people and it makes me sick...I mean...seriously! I raise my kids to treat other people with respect...so hopefully they turn out like that. If my kids turn out to be little jerks, I'll correct it on the spot...as I so often do...

Harder than it looks...but keeps them in line...

People need to stop this nonsense or we're going to grow up having to deal with a bunch of entitled little shit-heads who think the world...owes...them...some...

...son of a bitch...

Alright...alright...let me reset here...

Hold it in for 5 seconds...minimum...

Can we please get a hold of ourselves and maybe teach our kids that getting your balls busted is a fact of life. We're not all taught the same things as other people. I'm gonna teach my kids the same thing my own mother taught me. Be respectful...don't pick fights...never throw hands first...and ignore the little jerk-off who's giving you trouble...more often than not, they've got some problems that will either work themselves out...or culminate in a crazy killing spree...

Long story short, handle your shit...man the eff up...and stop screwing the next generation by turning them into a pack of whiny little bitches...

Lunatic...out...