40 Things I Learned from Jersey to Utah...

I've taken quite a few road trips in my short and mostly uneventful life...from Alaska to New Jersey...down to Texas...Flordia...really...all corners of these United States...

You learn a bunch...so...

Here's a list of things I learned about travelling...

1) Cars get smaller the longer you are in them...
2) Towing things adds an entirely new worry...
3) Nobody knows how to merge onto an expressway...
4) The worst drivers are from New York, California and Texas...*
(*My reasoning for this is as follows...if you pass them while using cruise control...they will intentionally speed up to pass you back...they cross multiple lanes at mach speed with little to no regard for anyone else on the road...they don't signal...they don't care for your speed, especially when cutting you off...all in all, they're just a bunch of jerkoffs behind the wheel of a 5 thousand pound death machine...)
5) Nobody ever leaves Delaware or North Dakota...
6) License plate counting never gets old...
7) Colorado has a diverse array of license plates...all of which I hate...
8) Kansas is the worst...
9) The mid-west holds some really ugly people in...
10) Denver is a city...and also the name of a dinosaur from the 80s who claimed to be the last of his kind...
11) The worlds largest rodent is named Rosco...
12) Rattlesnakes are capable of petting baby pigs...
13) The worlds largest wind-chime is in Kansas...
14) The further West you go...the stranger the town names become...
15) The Blimpie in Green River, UT is the cleanest place I've ever eaten at*
(*Keep in mind...this place was at a run-down truck stop in a town that smelled funny...in the middle of Utah...so...way to go Green River Blimpie...)
16) Some places have more flies than food...
17) I can only handle the tounge clicking noise for .06 seconds...
18) Most top 20 stations only have that many songs...
19) Mountains are tall...go figure...
20) Colorado warns truckers that there are more steep grades ahead...how considerate...
21) Runaway truck ramps work...
22) Holiday Inn isn't bad...
23) The wind is out to get you...
24) America loves Taco Bell...
25) Gas prices go up the further West you go...
26) I-70 is fucking long...
27) Screw you, Kansas...
28) Dairy Queen is pretty good after 5 days of travel...
29) Birds aren't car proof...
30) I can lift a trailer...
31) Many people are loud and boorish...especially those in Hotels...
32) Old people have interesting stories about Mexico...
33) Rum and coke in Ohio tastes the same as it does anywhere else...
34) Kansas City has late night street races on I-435...(cops...ignore this...)
35) There are a lot of Camaros out there in the world...but only East of Colorado...
36) I grind my teeth while I drive...
37) Pizza Hut wings are not very good...
38) Arriving at your destination is almost like winning an election...you're done with travelling and all...but there's always more to do...
39) Seriously...Fuck Kansas...
40) If you have a tarp for the things you're hauling...it's important to also purchase a cargo net...to keep the tarp down...for serious...it made my freakin day when I didn't have tarp flapping about all over the place in my rear-view...

The trip is over but long from finished...we'll fly from Vegas back East next week...so maybe I'll learn a bit from that excursion as well...

Stay Frosty...

Lunatic...out...

The AMERICAN bonus List for the Week...

'Merica...AMIRIGHT?!?!?!

I'm happy to live in this country...because damn it...I love pork products. Meat...in general...is pretty great...

Here's a list of the most "Merican things I can come up with...

1) New York City...
2) Tampon Commercials...(we don't give a shit)
3) Diarrhea Medicine Commercials (we have no choice but to shit)
4) Pizza... (fuck off, Italy...it's ours now)
5) Big Screen TVs...
6) Red Meat...
7) The KFC Double Down...
8) The Steak Double Down that I never got to see eaten but was attempted by a guy I know the day after I left my TDY location a few years ago...Not only did he demolish it...but then went on to squat the weight of not 1 or 2 or 3...but 4 fully loaded C-130 Aircraft in 135 degree heat with 100% humidity...long story short...FLEX is the man...
9) Captain America...(no shit?)
10) Twilight Zone Marathons on every major holiday (thanks SYFY...)
11) Mel Brooks (he got comedy before comedy was comedy...)
12) The 'Fonz...
13) Muscle Cars...
14) Bacon
15) The Baconator (too bad Wendy's food is shit...)
16) Complaining about elected officials on 24 hour news networks...
17) Bitching about new stuff once you get the new stuff that wasn't the new stuff you wanted...
18) My Super Sweet Sixteen...and while I'm on the subject...
     The above mentioned show is one of the biggest piles of shit to come out of MTV since the last time they decided to drop a big Cleveland Steamer on the chest of America when they stopped showing real music videos. We should probably blame you for influencing the youth of our nation by showing them how great it is to be raised rich. Nevermind...I blame the parents that let their kids even watch that garbage. You're part of the problem...parents...quit letting them watch that shit and maybe it'll go away...Nobody should let their kids carry on like that because the brand new Lexus they got wasn't the right color...WHAT?!?! YOUR BRAND NEW LEXUS ISN'T THE RIGHT COLOR!? I kind of want to smash that kids' head in with a gold plated hammer right now...put that kid in the middle of a bad neighborhood for just 60 seconds...just 60 magical seconds...and videotape it...because I will buy, watch, rewind and watch over and over and over again...
19) Ordering take-out online...
20) E-Harmony...
21) Ordering Groceries online...
22) Black People Meet
23) Christian Mingle
24) Anything that doesn't require talking to anybody, ever...
25) Batman...
26) The Cheeseburger (fuck you, Germany...it's ours now)
27) Apple Pie cooling on a windowsill while a couple of no-good street toughs concoct a plan to steal the aforementioned pie...
28) Archie Comics...
29) Bum Fights...
30) Girls Gone Wild featuring Snoop Dogg...
31) Back to the Future...
32) Stephen Spielberg...
33) The Universal Monsters...
34) Arena Rock...
35) Rock and Roll in General...
36) The Blues...
37) Gindhouse Cinema
38) Bruce Campbell...
39) The Miss USA Contest...
40) Monday Night Football...
41) Beer commercials where nobody ever drinks the beer...
42) Menthol Smokes...
43) Cheech and Chong...
44) Phantasm....
45) Anything by Clive Barker, Geroge Romero, Wes Craven, and the rest of our 70s-80s horror gods...
and finally...
46) Riding on the back of a giant bald eagle while raining fire down on your enemies listening to Ted Nugent play the National Anthem and eating a rare steak while firing flaming arrows into the sky as explosions occur directly behind you while you wear your Apollo Creed US Flag boxing shorts immediately after your training montage...simply beautiful...

Happy Independence Day to my fellow US Americans...my deployed buddies in The Iraq and The Afghanistan other countries that don't have maps...

Hit the comments with your most 'Merican thoughts...and share this blog with your friends because there's nothing more American than...

47) Shameless promotion of your ideas through friends...

Lunatic...Out...

Bully? Bully!

I watch a lot of Cartoon Network...I mean...a lot. I've got 2 kiddos, aged 3 and 9 and they love that stuff. One thing that keeps popping across the screen is this mess about bullying and how it "won't be tolerated" and "hurts everyone"...

I have a simple question...

When did we turn into a bunch of whiny little turds?

I'm not sure who the bully is...since they're grabbing each others' shirts...

Ok, class...raise your hand if someone has ever given you a hard time...

Ok, good. Now that I see that most everyone has their hands up...did it ruin your life? Did it make you less of a person? Were your "Feewings Huwt?" Holy shit...give it a rest...

I got bullied a few times as a kid...guess what happened? I turned out mother-effin awesome. In fact, I think it made me a bit more tough, in a way. My super-awesome mother always told me "Walk away from someone who wants to fight...you never need to raise your fists to someone"...and she was right. I used to roughhouse with friends all the time and that was fine, but big-time, one on one fights? Never felt the need to do it. "It takes a bigger man..." she would say. Damn it...Mom was right...until one time. 

Don't forget to wash your ass, Tommy...

One kid used to bust my balls more than the others and I stuck to what Mom said. He wouldn't quit...would even do it in front of his mom. My Mom says "Hey...could you tell your kid to stop?" and she got shrugged off. So...my mom gave me this next piece of awesome advice... "Tommy, if he touches you one more time, I want you to beat the shit out of him. Don't stop hitting him until he's bleeding or he starts crying." What a 180...right?

So it came to that. We each popped one another. called it quits...and got on with our lives. Never bothered me again after that. Bygones were bygones...and nobody killed themselves. Now a days...if someone doesn't let you sit at their table...they're bullying you...and that's a load of HORSE POOPY...

That's not even close to bullying! That's some kid being a DWESH-BAG...and we're surrounded by those on a daily basis

Not now Chief...I'm in the fuckin' zone...

The generation I'm growing up with didn't appear to get hugged enough...they raise their kids as though their porcelain dolls that will crack under the slightest amount of pressure...

The kid gloves are constantly on with these people and it makes me sick...I mean...seriously! I raise my kids to treat other people with respect...so hopefully they turn out like that. If my kids turn out to be little jerks, I'll correct it on the spot...as I so often do...

Harder than it looks...but keeps them in line...

People need to stop this nonsense or we're going to grow up having to deal with a bunch of entitled little shit-heads who think the world...owes...them...some...

...son of a bitch...

Alright...alright...let me reset here...

Hold it in for 5 seconds...minimum...

Can we please get a hold of ourselves and maybe teach our kids that getting your balls busted is a fact of life. We're not all taught the same things as other people. I'm gonna teach my kids the same thing my own mother taught me. Be respectful...don't pick fights...never throw hands first...and ignore the little jerk-off who's giving you trouble...more often than not, they've got some problems that will either work themselves out...or culminate in a crazy killing spree...

Long story short, handle your shit...man the eff up...and stop screwing the next generation by turning them into a pack of whiny little bitches...

Lunatic...out...

The Weekly List of Important Things!

It's sometimes difficult to come up with a list of things...terribly difficult. You can look for inspiration in just about everything...so today...

Here's a list of things that piss me off (this week)

1) Poorly scripted newscasts...
2) Intolerant assholes...
3) The stupidity of people in large groups...
4) The hypocrisy of those same people...
5) Humidity...
6) Losing at Super Smash Brothers...
7) Chef Lilian Garcia (still)...
8) People who think taco Bell is Mexican food...
9) Inconsistent weather patterns...
10) Poachers...
11) Syria...
12) The remake of "Nightmare on Elm Street"...
13) Richard Matheson dying...
14) Doink The Clown (also dead)...
15) Television ads that have nothing to do with what they're selling...
16) Gnats...
17) The color Orange...
18) People that think wrestling is real...
19) People who use the "blank week Anniversary" Anniversary implies a year has passed...you dipshit...
20) Bad speeeeeeeeellers...
22) Thunderstorms...
23) Thunderstorms when you're doing something outside...
24) Party Planning...
25) My lack of a guitarist...
26) James Van Der Beek (screw you Dawson)...
27) Justin Effing Bieber...I mean, seriously...what a little turd...runs around like his shit don't stink even and has this total sense of being owed something because he can sing...I can't wait until he's on celebrity rehab or something and then has an unfortunate overdose that doesn't kill him...but leaves him desperate for more drugs,...so desperate, in fact, that he has to do unspeakable things in dingy alleyways behind drug stores in order to score his next fix...and then when he's caught, he makes some silly youtube apology where he still will probably act like the total douche-nozzle he is...then he gets feline AIDS and dies...
28) Usher...for exposing the world to the little bastard up at number 27...
29) Justin Bieber again for even making me mad enough to include him in one of my lists...
30) Entitled 20 somethings...(still feeding off the hate)
31) Entitled 60 somethings...
32) State Farm commercials...
33) Disney...all your programming is terrible...your sitcoms are the worst thing I've ever seen...your stars are anything but...and your father figures on said shows are always left looking like retards...
34) Jeff Dunham...Achmed The Dead Terrorist was funny for 36 seconds a few years ago...so stop it
35) People who still post Achmed the Dead Terrorist videos like they're new...see above...
36) The Wicked Witch of the West...where do you get off....I mean...who do you think you are?
37) People who consider anything on grocery store news-stands as actual news...No...I don't fucking care that Kate Middleton is pregnant and I don't give a shit what the gender of the baby is...those assholes don't even know who you are...so why should we be made to pay attention to them?
38) People who take offense to the above comment...
39) People who take offense to anything...unless it effects you personally, in a physical manner...let it go...no use losing sleep over it...
40) Jason Patrick...ewwwwwwwww...
41) The excuse that you're too fat to work out...seriously...you work out to not be fat...so get off your ass and jog a little...

It's a short list...but those were the things that came to mind...what pisses you off?

Please comment below and let me know. I've been at this a week now and nobody else seems to have an opinion...which is strange since the internet provides everyone with a big set of internet balls, which enables them to feel that they can say whatever they want...because they can...

Anyway...

Lunatic Out...

What is Best in Life?

Fooled you...

This isn't a post about Conan the Barbarian...though it would make for a great conversation starter...

But seriously...think about that question. What really IS best in life? Depending on who you talk to...the range of answers can be something as mundane as sitting in silence...all the way up to bat-shit insane...like bathing in the blood of virgins to keep that youthful vigorous look about your skin...

Needs more iron...

What gets me the most is that ever present search for things that make us happiest. For example, I know people who crave nothing more than to own everything ever. Material items bring them joy and showing them off brings them satisfaction...it's kind of the human condition. I don't know if it's innate in all human beings to want that...to equate personal wealth to happiness...

Racecars...Lasers...Aeroplanes...

Listen...if acquiring vast amounts of wealth is what makes you happy...then by Buddha you DO IT...get that paper, son/daughter/child...because it isn't gonna get itself. That only happens to octogenarians who happen to play the lotto every day of their super old lives...

Sometimes, it's having a great, big family is your path to happiness. Lots of folks do it. Their children...their offspring...their mark on the world. That's where their happiness lies. Sometimes, people parley this particular love of family into a budding business. I see on the old boob tube there's a family with 20 kids or something. That lady's insides probably resemble the New York City Subway...with displaced travelers...people talking to themselves...some guy sleeping with his beats headphones on listening to some college rock with an open copy of "Atlas Shrugged" slumped across his chest. Also...there's a homeless guy shitting in the corner for some reason...

Speaks for itself...

I won't denounce people spewing out kids at their leisure. As long as you can support them childrens...you bang it out, baby...but if you end up on Maury Povitch looking for the father of the baby and collecting them welfare checks cause your kids are walking dollar signs...please place your neck on some railroad tracks and wait for the 4 o clock...because you're lower than worm shit and deserve to die...

As for me...I find my happiness where I can get it. There isn't one single thing that brings me the elation that something else does. I find happiness in it all. Every day above ground, sucking in oxygen, is a reason to be happy. There's a lot to bask in when you really take a minute, a deep breath and a look around. Music, art, human interaction (with people you can stand) and the occasional "someone falling" is a reason to let out a laugh every now and then...it'll make you feel good...most of the time...

I laugh every time someone falls down...and you should too...

Lunatic Out...

Cause Boobs is What We Crave...

I dare you to go find a magazine...watch TV...read a book...hell...look at the internet.

What you'll find, many times, is something scantily clad, trying to sell you something...or make you stop wearing fur...or stop you from eating meat (delicious meat)...

Sex sells...oh boy does sex sell. There's nothing more boner-inducing (for some people) than a barely clothed model doing something suggestive with a piece of electronic equipment. That'll get you to buy it, right?

Tastes like capitalism...

The above image is something that is thrust in our faces on a daily basis. The sexy electronics chick. Man...I wonder what that laptop tastes like. My guess? Snozzberries...

Which leads me to my point. I had to sit in on yet ANOTHER meeting about sexual assault today while at work. 30 more minutes of my time...simply wasted on a problem that has always been a problem until people in high positions get caught being a part of said problem. My particular peer-set is supposed to be held to higher standards in our sweet country due to standards of discipline and good conduct...and yet these awful things keep happening. We say we've got to put a stop to it...

Of course, I find this particular idea absolutely ludicrous...and here's why...

BAM! BUTT AND VEEJ FRAGRANCES!

Our "culture" in this country is the problem. It slaps us in the face on a daily basis. What the aim for my group of people to do...is to stamp it out completely. We want to strangle it in the cradle and bury it in the back yard near the other terrible things...

It's not just about the ladies though...

Some Fancy Ketchup with your schwooper?

While more rare, these ads target the ladies as well...and we accept it. If you want to stomp out sexual assault, you can do it in one of three ways...

1) Immediately murder the sexual assaulter/rapist upon conviction...with a sledgehammer...in front of high school freshmen...

While recent events (the football player who was locked up for years even though the accuser later admitted to lying) could make this particular punishment seem rash...it would certainly deter anyone from wanting to sexually assault/rape anything...

2) Sex Contract...Chapelle had it right...

3) Ban anything even remotely sexual. Sanitize all media. Live like a drone. Die.

Imagine...if you will...a society of Robutts...

Long story short...none of the above scenarios are going to happen...so our "culture of the sexy" will persist...and probably intensify in the coming decades. You're never going to stop sexual assault/rape from being a thing. Animals great and small...suck like that. There are some of us out there that simply can't resist finding something to rape and then raping it...and those fuckers deserve an Anton Chigur style death. Taking on something as massive as this with unrealistic expectations of destroying it out-right is like dry humping a block of ice. Sure, it might feel ok at the start...but all you're going to end up with is frozen genitalia, wet clothes...and a pool of water and shattered dreams at your feet. If that doesn't make any sense to you...you're absolutely right...

-T

LeBron X Denims...A story about killing for shoes...

I've had a bunch of shoes in my short life. Plenty of types in fact...

But have I ever had to kill to get them? The right answer here is of course "No. I've never had to kill...for shoes..."

This little gem of a story made me chuckle for a few reasons...the first of which was that the shooting in question has been justified in some sort of strange way. We, as a thinking and sometimes rational species tend to want certain things in life. I, for example, would love to own a platinum car that turns into a representation of Grimlock from the Transformers. Admit it...that would be rad. The dead guy I'm referring to...wanted some shoes.

Not just any shoes, mind you. These shoes have a limited run. They're some of them LeBron James shoes. The Lebron x Denims...the greatest shoes of this week. Next week, look out for the Shaq Diesel Bigfoot Reissue (don't bother, they don't exist)...

Manbutthese (it's a word...cause I said so) shoes...only 22 pairs available at this particular location in Atlanta, Georgia. A place called "Wish." A shoe store...called...Wish...

LOOK AT THEM!!!

Who...pray tell...WHO would want these foot coverings so badly that they would be willing to steal them while shoe hungry aficionados deliberately waited in line to simply own a pair of these limited edition pieces of cloth? The answer...some dead guy.

The story goes as such...

Man attempts to steal shoes. Another line sitter does not like this...so he shoots the thief dead. I'm not kidding. There's blood on these shoes. After shooting this would-be shoe thief, the man casually steps back into the line to wait to purchase his magnificent pair of what I'd now like to refer to as "The Shoes of Certain Doom." Charges pressed? Nah. Police are going to classify this as "self-defense" Now listen here, because I'm only going to type this once...today...

THEY"RE FUCKING SHOES, MAN! I MEAN...SHOES! FOOT COVERINGS! DO THEY CURE CANCER? CAN THEY HIDE YOUR SINS FROM THE EYES OF SOME PREVIOUSLY UNMENTIONED DEITY THAT YOU SOMETIMES SACRIFICE SMALL ANIMALS TO? WHAT IS THIS FORGOTTEN GODS NAME AND WHAT ARE HIS OR HER AIMS? IS IT THE GOD OF SHOES? WHAT, DAMN IT,  IS SO SPECIAL ABOUT SHOES? WHERE'S THE TRIGGER? WHO DOES THE JOKER WORK FOR? IT'S A MAD HOUSE! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

*cough* I digress...

We've gotten to the point that someone can shoot ya...to death...because they stole some shoes...and you can pretend it was as routine as taking a healthy dump. Sure, everybody does it...usually in private...unless you're a homeless...then you just poo where you want, no questions asked...

This is not a joke. This, my dear readers, is a thing that happened over shoes. Stupid...stupid...stupid shoes. 

"I salute the homie that did that." - Direct quote from someone who wasn't even there...also...Plato...circa, never...

I assume this stock photo above is who perpetrated the quote. Seems legit...

Methinks I would never really kill somebody for something as ridiculous as shoes...

However...if they were these shoes...

I'd kick you directly in the nuts/veejay until  the natural heat death of the universe to rock a pair of these nasty hogs...even for one glorious second...

Lunatic...out...

-T